I think I may be in love like kinda head over heels..is that bad?

things i want to do...with him...

so i have to get this out. its a list of things that i would like to do with my boyfriend.. some of it may be silly but i still want to try to so these things..

-want to go see the chirstmas light down town
-walk memory grove at night
-have a drunken night
-go get lost somewhere neither one of us know
-have sex some where random
-make cookies
-go to disney land... i know its crazy but i want to
-go on a road trip
-have silly nick names for eachother
-go to summer concerts
-go on lots of hikes
-one day maybe move in together... maybe
-get to know you like you know yourself


more to come when i think about them

realized that

So i realized today that my son turns 1 in 19 days. and to be honest i'm kinda freaking out. sure i'm excited to see him grow up and become a little boy but all at the same time i sit back and think about where did all my time go? I feel like this year has just gone by soo fast and there is nothing i can  do to slow it down. even though i dont want it to slow down because i'm so excited to see what happens but all at the same i want to take my time getting there.
Not only am i excited to see my son grow up but i'm also pretty excited to see what happens with my boyfriend. i'm not in a rush to rush things with him i'm just excited to see what happens. i tend to wonder often how long it will last and everything else like that.. when it comes to thinking about him i feel like i'm a little girl in grade school... but i have not written my name with his.. it seems too childish to do that and wayyy to soon. But i'm still super excited. the hard part is is he wants to travel a lot and i dont have a problem with it i just will miss him lots. i mean i would love to go with him and see the world i just have a son who comes first. But anywho on another note i'm super excited for christmas it should be pretty amazing. :) 

I know its silly but..

I'm a girl thats all I can say. And to be honest I get kinda love sick and I love it.
so for about two months..ish I've been dating this guy whom at the moment hold part of my heart. I only say part because I feel like if I give him my whole heart then things might turn for the worst knowing my they always do. So here I am a silly girl who keeps track of how long I've had him as my boyfriend. and I have to say that in two months life couldn't be any better. Its nice because I dont have to see him every day. I enjoy my time for me but on the other hand I love spending time with him and parker. And if I could I would be with him most of the time. But for right now its nice to see him when I get the chance.

At this moment in my life I can't decide if I want to settle down.. not meaning go and run off and get married i just mean to take my time with a boyfriend and make it last. and maybe one day far far in the future maybe then get married. But who knows cuz to be honest I dont even know all I know is what I want and right now all I want is him :)

smile

boyfriend :)

I wanna remember you. Anything and everything about you I want to know. the ins and outs what makes you tick. your secrets a little about your past. I want to open you up like a book and see what you have to teach me. I believe that no one just walks into you life to just be there. they always seem to teach you something good or bad its always something. but you never know what they have to teach you until the day they walk away. in which I hope you dont walk away. I want this.. this relationship to last sometime. I want part of everything with you. i only say part because  I dont know what the future holds. But as of now I do know that I want to spend nights with you even the drunken ones. i want to watch sunset and sun rises. I’m at a point in my life where i know i’m young and i know theres soo much to enjoy and i want to enjoy some of these things with you. but i have to say the one thing i want is a picture of us. i know its something you dont do but i still would love one.. one day.. no pressure [heehee] 

But i need to say thank you.. for every thing. for the laughter for the smiles. for all the times you made me blush i’ve enjoyed every moment.. thank you

<3 

so i realized

today that i miss you. i know that we have our things that we have to do . but hell i sure do miss you. i want to have an adventure with you. get lost somewhere were we just dont have to care. i want to be held tight and get lost in our kiss. i'm not complaing dont get me wrong but hell i'm just a silly girl who loves and miss' her boyfriend. 

BUT on another note i got a new tattoo today :)

 kinda wish you were there with me but i did it on my own held it all together [because i'm the biggest baby ever] it was a nice therapy. 

i find it odd that i started to make a list in my head.. all the things i want to do with you... kind of a  lot of firsts to be honest.. im just not even sure if i should write them down or not. But this will be a first to have a you for the holidays. which i'm sorta excited for but i'm not sure if i should just let all my excitement out and just be who i am during this time ... or just conceal it ... eff that i love the holidays too much i gotta be me[that was a silly question]
oh by the way i have to say my boyfriend is pretty much the best.. i love him for the fact that he bring me redbulls in the morning while i'm at work.. gotta say it makes my days. screw roses when you can get redbulls BAHAHAHA

sorry lots of random things but i guess i just had to get them out..

Love you all

i want more days like these

so I'm starting to slowly edit my picture that I've been taking, and mind you I'm not the best at it BUT while I was editing I came across some pictures that I'm in love with.
Only because this day just gets stuck in my thoughts from time to time.

This Boy holds my heart...well part of it.
This day with him I have to say I'll always remember. I wish I knew why because nothing special happened. It was just an overcast day but everything just fit right together.

It was so good that it almost scared me. I've always been okay around people and I've always known what to say and what to do. But when I get around him I get so quit and everything kinda goes still. This is all so new to me that I feel like the slightest thing could mess it up.
I can't say that I want to be with him forever only because forever doesn't last. Everything comes to an end one way or another but as of right now its all day by day and there's no rush.

so as of right now he can hold part of my heart  make me giddy as hell and loss everything thought that I have. And no matter how long we last  I will enjoy everything time I get with him. Weather it be for 5 minutes or a whole day. I'm going to enjoy it. Leave every wondering thought at the door and just be with him in that time and the space that we have.
I know that in time everything will come to be.

its something about black and white photos that just make everything seem

so 

perfect 

the boy

who holds my heart in his hands and doesn't know it :)

enjoying the falling leaves

there is hope

So it has taken some time to finally realize that there is hope.
There is no reason to give up and just walk away.
I need to be BRAVE and just go through with it.
I understand that life is hard and shit happens, but I have to say I'm pretty sick of this SHIT always happening to me. I'm tried of my past haunting me and scaring me from behind.
I'm DONE.
I'm done with all the crazy shit other people cause and just decide to drag me with me.
So I guess I need to sit back and Breath and just stand up for myself and go with what I want and not what everyone else around me wants.

The Thing I Never Expected....

I never thought that I could love someone so much.
My son Parker was born December 20,2010 and my life [for the better] changed.
My love for him is unlike anything else I have ever felt. It warms my heart to see him learn how to smile and when he knows the sound of my voice. It amazes me that his connection with me is unlike anything I've even known. People always told me that if I was upset he could feel it and he would know that I was upset or happy. I didn't know this was true until I hit a low point the other day. He cried just as I started to cry.

It was like we were feeling all the same feelings.

But as time went on I calmed down and so did he.
Being a mom was not what I thought it would be. There are hard times [of course] but the happy and great times we have are the most amazing. Nap time is one of my favorites only because [this is a little odd] but I can watch him sleep peacefully and know that he is alright. It also gives me time to think and hope for the best for the little guy.
I don't want him to end up like me. Ive had some messed up times. but I guess that's what every mom wants for their child but some children end up just like their parents in one way or another.

I have to be perfectly honest. I wish and hope that he doesn't turn out like his father. Not in any way. I don't care if he look like him but I do care if he ends up like him. Is that so horrible to want that?! [I'm not sure..ugh]

But as time goes on I enjoy being a mom and becoming a person I never thought I would become. Its a nice change so far and I hope that it keeps getting better so that I can better myself even more.

I heard one of my close friends say the most amazing thing about his mom " She's the brightest star in my sky." and ever sense I heard that I wish and I hope that one day my son can say something that nice about me to one of his friends. :)